I mean, I really really REALLY don't like coffee. I love the smell but hate the taste. It's not a simple dislike; it's a revulsion. I jokingly call this my "superpower": I'm able to detect a single molecule of the hated flavor in any food or drink.
It doesn't matter how dolled up the coffee is. It doesn't matter if it's coffee-flavored ice cream or candy or whatever. I simply hate the taste.
Admitting I don't coffee is like a slap in the face for coffee aficionados. Coffee remains one of the most popular beverages in America, possibly the world. According to a recent study in National Coffee Data Trends, "This year's release shows just how much Americans rely on the energy, comfort, and normalcy of their favorite brew."
I remember my dear mother telling me she never liked coffee until she went to nursing school, and drank it so she could stay up late studying. I went to college (and grad school) and swallowed caffeine pills if I needed to pull an all-nighter (which, frankly, never did much good - caffeine doesn't seem to affect me). I never learned to drink coffee in college. If anything, my aversion deepened.
At a now-defunct link, here's one guy who gets it:
"Growing up in the San Francisco area, I remember crossing the Bay Bridge on foggy mornings with the smell of the coffee roasting plant drifting up from under the bridge at the San Francisco end. Rich, full, luxuriant, coffee smells like chocolate tastes. Unfortunately for me, the taste of coffee has none of the depth, the subtleties, the scope that the smell has. I only taste one flavor: Bitter.
"It doesn't matter how much milk or sugar I add, it doesn't matter if it has been turned into a rich dessert like tiramisu or a coffee candy or coffee ice cream. The bitterness is pervasive. Not a light bitterness that can lend an interesting edge to a dish. No, this is a medicinal level of bitterness, like drinking a beverage brewed from aspirin."
Yes!! This guy understands! It has nothing to do with caffeine and everything to do with taste.
I tried looking into whether a coffee aversion has a scientific basis; but bizarrely, studies into coffee aversion seem to focus on one of two things: either a sensitivity toward caffeine, or cultural conditioning (i.e., whether you grow up around coffee drinkers). I have no sensitivity toward caffeine at all (it doesn't seem to affect me one way or the other) and I grew up around plenty of coffee drinkers. I just - plain - hate - the - taste.
But here's an interesting side note: I'm not fond of chocolate either. I don't hate it (like I hate coffee), but it's definitely not my favorite flavor. Apparently, there is a connection between coffee aversion and chocolate aversion, something about a genetically predisposed sensitivity to 6-n-propylthiouracil. That sounds nice and weighty, doesn't it? I'll use that as my excuse.
Aversion aside, there is solid evidence that coffee offers some medical benefits. Studies have found that coffee reduces the risk of depression by 20% and the risk of suicide by 53%. In short, the hot caffeinated beverage offers comfort to a global population. Except for those of us who hate the taste, what's not to love about it?
Keep this in mind as we turn to a recent headline entitled "Coffee is dangerous for you, warns EU: Brussels bureaucrats claim report proves caffeine 'harmful to humans if swallowed,' prompting fears of coffee ban."
My first thought upon seeing the headline was this: Why are bureaucrats always trying to suck every bit of joy out of life?
Contrary to some of the claimed medical benefits, the EU is reporting too many negative effects that should be regulated, including "adverse effects on the heart, hydration, and body temperature, as well as triggering anxiety and sleep problems."
The E.U. is specifically targeting caffeine. According to the article, "The report was produced to reinforce a decision to ban caffeine from being used to kill snails and slugs around cabbage and potato patches. But it has prompted fears that Brussels regulations could one day target coffee, a staple of the European way of life."
As one commenter put it, "I would suspect that the social benefits of having a coffee with friends gives more health advantages than any marginal disadvantages of caffeine."
So which is it? Is coffee good for you or bad for you? Should the world switch to decaf (which, ironically, might be banned in America), or should coffee itself be regulated? Is the comfort of a hot cup of java not worth the risk?
Speaking as a coffee-hater, it wouldn't affect me one way or the other if coffee were banned. But as a tea drinker, I wholeheartedly support my fellow hot-beverage enthusiasts who like both their coffee and their caffeine. The important point is, is it anyone's business if people like their caffeine? Why should this be a matter of regulatory control? Do people really need that degree of government nannying?
Anders Vistisen, a Danish MEP and chief whip of Patriots for Europe, blasted the EU for its meddling: "More unwelcome and needless inference from meddling bureaucrats in Brussels! ... A few years ago, the E.U. wished to ban cinnamon on Danish pastries, and the bakers union had to wrangle a get-out clause. It would suit everyone much better if many of these matters were left to national competence and personal choice."
I think I speak for many when I observe that, at the moment, Europe has a lot more to worry about than whether its population draws too much comfort from caffeine. Brussels might be wiser to spend its resources on figuring out how to keep its migrant population from raping women or fire-bombing churches. Just a (caffeinated) thought.