Here's why you don't desire sex as much these days -- and what you can do about it.
If you're interested in increasing your sex drive, there are a few things you should know. And the most important one is: There's no such thing as a "low" sex drive.
People are quick to assume there's something wrong with them, their health, or their relationship if their interest in sex has started to wane, says Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy. "There's a lot of internalization or shame or blame. And really, it's super natural and to be expected that our desire is going to ebb or flow over the course of our life."
It's also possible that you've never had a high libido. Some people simply have less interest in sex, or might even be asexual, and that's completely normal, too, says Laurie Mintz, PhD, a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate.
That said, maybe you used to feel turned on by your partner all the time... and these days, you just never look forward to sex anymore. Perhaps you're dealing with a desire discrepancy in a new relationship; or, you wish you could have the orgasms and intimacy that sex can bring, but you're just never in the mood at the end of a long workday. Even though there's no such thing as a "normal" sex drive -- and sadly, no quick fix to make you feel horny on command -- there are a lot of ways to address these issues.
When Desire Met Arousal: These two factors make up what we typically classify as someone's sex drive, says Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, a certified sex therapist, marriage and family therapist, and founder of the Intimacy Institute. Desire is an interest in having sex, and arousal is more of a physiological response when your body is turned on. Some people may think they have a "lower sex drive," says Skyler, but their ability to experience arousal hasn't changed -- they just feel less excited about having sex.
Ahead, sex therapists break down everything to know about how to increase your desire to have sex -- and, ultimately, how to have sex worth desiring.
"When it comes to sex drive, most people go very quickly to thinking it's a hormonal issue or a medical issue -- and that is true in some cases, but it's actually pretty rare," says Vanessa Marin, LMFT, a certified sex therapist and author of Sex Talks. Still, any underlying medical conditions you might have (or prescriptions you're on) can impact your desire for sex, so it's always a good idea to "rule out" any possible medical issues first, says Mintz. Many antidepressants can stifle sexual desire, she adds, so if you're currently in treatment for any health conditions (mental or physical), talk to your provider.
Menopause and perimenopause can also cause a decreased interest in sex. "If you're reaching an age or stage in life where perimenopause is a possibility -- on a bell curve, we're looking at late 30s to early 40s as a common starting point for many folks -- that's a great time to go and get a physical check-up," says Balestrieri, adding that you'll want to make sure your provider is certified by the North American Menopause Society (NAMS).
Another common side effect of menopause is pain during penetration, Mintz adds -- so if you're around this age, dealing with painful sex, and experiencing a desire decrease, it's also a good time to set up a physical. A NAMS-certified practitioner can help you work through any options, including possible FDA-approved medications for low libido.
Let's get one thing straight: Sex shouldn't be painful or uncomfortable. But sadly, for many folks, it can be. Thirty percent of women reported experiencing sexual pain during their last experience having sex, per one landmark 2015 study cited by both Marin and Mintz. "Sometimes, women say, 'I don't have desire,' and you dig a little deeper, [they're actually having] sexual pain," Mintz says. "If something hurts, we're not going to want to do it."
Once again, the fix here is chatting with a trusted doctor or gynecologist, says Mintz. They can help you figure out what's going on, and come up with a game plan -- and once you're having sex that's more comfortable and pleasurable, chances are, your interest in having that sex will increase.
Your desire for sex (or lack thereof) can be "like a canary in the coal mine," says Marin. "It's letting us know that something else needs our attention; it's reflective of how we're doing overall."
So, if you're noticing your energy for sex is unusually low, try taking stock of how you've been treating your mind and body, and considering any lifestyle changes you might want to make. These changes could involve getting more sleep, cutting back on any substances or foods that might be making you feel less-than-great, and moving your body. "All the things that we know support our physiology will help you feel good in your body, which translates to wanting to experience pleasure," Skyler adds.
Incorporating more joyful movement into your life can help your overall health, and in turn, help your sexual health, too. "There's a lot of science that shows that moving your body for at least 20 minutes a day, if not more, is great for your system," says Skyler. You could also try getting outside (sans phone or any screens) and spending time in the sunshine for 20 minutes, she adds.
If you enjoy a good workout, try getting your heart rate up a little higher than usual. This can replicate that exciting, butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling you might get in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship, which can help kick your sex drive into gear, psychotherapist and cognitive neuroscientist Nan Wise previously told Women's Health.
That said, be careful not to put too much pressure on yourself to follow a certain health or fitness regimen. Remember, the key here is simply feeling good. "Another component that can zap our sex lives, solo or with partners, is hyper-productivity," says Skyler. And on that note...
Barring any medical issues and hormonal changes, "the number one reason people feel like they've lost their sex drive is usually due to stress," says Skyler. There are a lot of reasons for this: Some people might feel exhausted, which doesn't exactly leave a lot of energy for sex, says Balestrieri. Others might find that stress impacts their ability to stay present in the moment.
There's no one-size-fits-all solution to managing stress, but coming up with a plan that works for you can help boost your desire. This might look like a mindfulness or meditation practice, says Balestrieri, and/or prioritizing relationships with loved ones beyond your romantic or sexual partner(s). "The more connection and community we have, the more we feel loved and cared for," Balestrieri adds. Naturally, this can make your life feel happier and more vibrant, which can reduce some stress and help you focus on pleasure.
You can also create a "relaxation ritual" (whatever that means for you!), says Skyler. Maybe your ritual involves reading while taking a bubble bath, or unwinding with a walk through nature after work. Many people, especially those with lower levels of testosterone -- which includes a lot of cisgender women -- primarily experience something called responsive desire, wherein they need to enter a state of arousal in order to desire sex. (More on this in a sec!) But it's hard to feel aroused if you're not relaxed. So, coming up with a soothing self-care practice before solo or partnered sex can help make room for "the possibility of arousal," Skyler says.
"In our culture, we think of sex drive as something that occurs spontaneously. You see your partner, and suddenly, you're horny," says Mintz. And some people do have this experience -- although it's more common among people who are younger, people with higher amounts of testosterone, and also people in the earlier stages of a sexual relationship.
But others have a sex drive that's more guided by responsive desire, meaning they need to feel physically turned on in order to desire sex. "The way I describe it is having sex to feel desire and get horny, as opposed to waiting to get horny to have sex," says Mintz. And keep in mind, "sex" here doesn't necessarily mean penetration: Activities you might consider "foreplay," like touching, making out, and oral sex, can also kick a responsive partner's desire into gear.
Mintz's advice for more responsive folks, especially those in longer-term relationships? "Carve out time," she says. This doesn't necessarily mean scheduling sex, per se, but scheduling some time for you and your partner to really experience pleasure. Maybe you agree to just spend some time making out with and touching each other, and then see if your arousal kicks into gear once you're in the moment.
Some people have little interest in sex because, well, they aren't necessarily enjoying the sex they're having. "Maybe it's become routine, or there's an absence of novelty. Or maybe, they don't feel like they're getting the kind of pleasure they'd like to get," says Balestrieri. "When we don't feel like [sex] is a very pleasurable experience, it doesn't become a huge priority to do it again."
In these cases, you might think there's a "problem" with your sex drive. But there's not -- rather, there's "a problem with the sex you're having," says Marin. Maybe you're not feeling connected to your partner; maybe you're not having orgasms. Maybe, you're just not having a very enjoyable time. Luckily, there are a lot of fixes to these issues, especially if you're in a long-term relationship or marriage and interested in reigniting your sexual chemistry.
If your sex life is just feeling a little stale or routine, or you're not experiencing the kind of pleasure you'd like to, Balestrieri recommends first tapping into your own relationship with sex. "I would encourage people to re-explore the possibility of a solo sex life to enhance the dyadic sex life you might be able to create," she says. In other words, think about what really gets you going and turns you on when you're alone. Are there any genres of audio erotica that you'd like to reenact with your S.O.? Any toys you might want to incorporate in a partnered situation? Any specific fantasies you've unleashed?
You can then bring any discoveries back to your partner and approach the topic in a fun, positive way, says Skyler. Try something like: "I've been thinking of some fun ways we can bolster our sex life. I have a few ideas in mind -- would you maybe want to hear them?"
If you and your partner are open to chatting about masturbation, you can even let them in on something you learned during a solo session, says Balestrieri. She recommends something like, "I watched this move in a video the other night and it really turned me on -- I'd love to try it with you. Would you be into that?"
Of course, it's also possible that tapping into your solo sex life makes you realize your partner just isn't prioritizing your pleasure, or doesn't exactly know what they're doing. While it can feel hard or awkward to bring this up with them, asking what you need can really improve your sex life (and, therefore, your interest in sex!). "People don't talk about sex with each other -- even with the people they're having sex with," says Mintz. Try specifically telling your partner what might make the experience better for you, whether that's including more lube or spending time having an orgasm (or two) before any penetration.
Another reason you might not be enjoying sex with your partner? You're not feeling close to them on a romantic or emotional level. "Most people in long-term relationships will describe themselves as feeling more like roommates rather than romantic partners," says Marin. "And if we're not feeling connected to our partner, it makes sense to not want to be intimate with them."
If that's sounding a little familiar, Marin suggests tending to your emotional connection, and seeing if it increases your interest in sex. "A simple first step that I like to give people is practicing gratitude, which has actually been found to be the number one predictor of marital satisfaction," she says. "What I love about gratitude is that it's fast, it's easy, it's free, and it feels good to both give and receive." Hone the habit of thanking your partner whenever they do or say something thoughtful, and pointing out the small things you love and appreciate about them. Those little moments "can add up big time," she adds.
This is a very specific issue, but a common one, say both Balestrieri and Mintz. "A factor [of low sex drive] that I think is wildly under-discussed are disparities in emotional labor and domestic labor," says Balestrieri. "There's a dynamic where one partner is over-functioning and the other partner is under-functioning, and that can create a lot of resentment, fatigue, stress, and disconnection."
Not only can a heavy workload add to that sense of stress and exhaustion, but it can also disrupt your bond with your partner. "When someone sees their partner like a dependent, it's not sexy. And this becomes a very entrenched pattern for many couples," says Balestrieri.
In this case, a conversation with your partner might be the best bet to reboot your sex drive. Which leads me to...
You know that one argument that keeps cropping up with your partner? Unsurprisingly, it can lead to a sense of disconnection or resentment, which can dampen your desire to have sex with them, says Balestrieri. And while some people do enjoy having makeup sex, many others feel less interested in sex during times of conflict, adds Skyler. Again, totally normal!
In order to get those sexy feelings back, you'll want to discuss and work through whatever the issue is. Make sure to bring up the topic outside of the bedroom, says Balestrieri, and know that you likely won't be able to immediately repair a rupture and jump back in bed. "It's probably not going to be just one conversation," she says. Especially if it's an ongoing problem or there are several factors at play, try talking about the issue "one kernel at a time" so as to not overwhelm each other, Balestrieri suggests.
Oh, and BTW: You don't have to specifically tell your partner that the problem at hand is impacting your sex drive, says Skyler. Simply start the conversation with something like, "This conflict is impacting our connection. Let's try to work through this." Then, in your chats, ask each other questions like, "What can we each take responsibility for in this conflict, and in the solution?"
Just as stress can crush your libido, pressure -- including pressure to have sex, or have more of it -- can seriously impair your sex drive, too. "Any kind of sexual entitlement in a relationship, or in a dating or hookup context, can really plummet desire," says Balestrieri. "When sex feels like an obligation, that can feel like a huge libido killer."
First, an important caveat: Any kind of sexual coercion, or sex you're feeling pressured to have, is not okay or acceptable, whether you're in a casual dating dynamic or a long-term relationship or marriage. But it's also possible that your partner isn't pushing you to have sex, per se; you've just internalized an idea that there's something wrong with you because they want it more than you do. "Maybe you don't really have a quote-unquote 'low desire,' but it's lower than your partner's. So now, there's a narrative in your relationship of you being the lower-desire partner," says Balestrieri. This can also cause strife in your dynamic, with you and/or your partner feeling ashamed.
If you're the "lower-desire" partner, the most important step you can take is to try reframing your relationship to sex. One way? Remember all the times you've found it really fun, Mintz says. "If you frame it as something you want to do for you, you carve out time to do it." Worth noting: This process itself may take some time, so be patient with yourself.
And in the meantime, try your best not to compare your sex drive to other people's. This is another common trap that can make sex feel like something you're not doing for yourself, but out of obligation. "Your relationship with sex is your relationship with sex," says Balestrieri. "If you're comparing your sex drive with your best friend's sex drive or your partner's sex drive, you're already putting yourself in a position of disconnection from yourself."
How often do you touch your partner outside of the bedroom? If your gut reaction is, "Hmm, not that much," you might feel that aforementioned sense of stress or pressure whenever your partner kisses you or rolls over to cuddle you in bed. "Most of us in long-term relationships don't really touch each other that much outside of sex, and it leads to this pattern that I call the bristle reaction," says Marin. "You feel yourself tense up when your partner comes to touch you, because you're thinking that they just want it to lead to more."
The thing is, non-sexual touch can come with loads of benefits, including a sense of emotional intimacy and, yes, a desire for sex. As an easy-to-implement tip, Marin recommends making the conscious choice to hug your partner for 30 seconds a day, and kiss them for six seconds a day. "Those are the specific timelines that research has found when our body releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which promotes a sense of closeness and trust," she says.
If the above solutions aren't helping -- or if you're dealing with a more deeply-seated influence, like a past sexual trauma or religious messaging from childhood, that makes you feel numb, ashamed, or disconnected from your body during sex -- consider meeting with a therapist who specializes in sex, trauma, and/or couple's therapy.
"Sometimes, there's messaging from parents or religion [that can impact sex drive]," says Mintz. Working with someone to let go of these messages in a safe, sex-positive space can help you navigate any shame you might be experiencing.
That said, if you have access to it, therapy can help no matter what the underlying issue is. If you've been making changes to your lifestyle, medications, and relationship and still feel like your interest in sex (or lack thereof) is getting in the way of your happiness, a therapist can offer an "outside perspective" on what might be going on, says Balestrieri.
Meet the Experts: Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy. Laurie Mintz, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate. Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, is a certified sex therapist, marriage and family therapist, and founder of the Intimacy Institute. Vanessa Marin, LMFT, is a certified sex therapist and author of Sex Talks.